Category Archives for "Dating Advice for Men"

Aug 09

Tinder Bio For Guys – Is a Funny Bio all it Takes?

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

How do you craft a Tinder bio for men that gets high quality matches? The majority of attractive women have all the attention in their daily social lives. So exactly what makes you think you can magically match with them on Tinder?

Secondly, why would any attractive women bother with some stranger on Tinder when they’ve already got all the attention and potential partners chasing them in their social life? This is especially true if you are in a younger age range and your target demographic of girls is younger.

The economics of online dating is skewed: you have one quality woman being pursued by a larger than proportionate number of males. Think back to your schooling days, you get 80% of the male population admiring 20% of the population of women. It’s worst on Tinder.

This is why as a guy, you need to create a Tinder bio that stands out.

Hacking My Own Tinder Profile to Get High Quality Matches

The pandemic hit last year and I spent around 6 months really hacking my own profile, running paid tests, being a mad scientist and going out on tens of dates from online dating applications.

The jury is out: there IS a skillset behind crafting out great profiles. The majority of your Tinder results is going to come from a great Tinder profile.

Have a Tinder Profile that Stands Out, a Funny One is Not Enough

You’re up against a lot of competition all when you’re dealing with online dating applications. Think of the thousands of matches and thousands of likes an average woman gets on her online dating application, and think of the messages that she’s flooded with day in, day out on her applications.

This is why you NEED to have a Tinder profile that stands out.

These Tinder profile strategies help me and my clients land minimally one to two high quality dates a week. 

Now let’s on get to the strategies that will supercharge your results. 

Stand Out in Your Tinder Profile Photos by Investing in a Photo Shoot 

I’m not going to lie here, good looks and fashion matters almost more than anything on Tinder and online dating applications. You need to try to be as good looking as possible through your photos. 

However, if you aren’t super good looking, not to worry, your boy here isn’t. There are ways to get around it by be smart about your photos.

The first thing you need do is to have that mixture of high quality photos and casual photos. You don’t want to bombard your entire profile with all high quality photos. That’s because that would mean over optimising your profile and coming off as a try hard. 

  • Using Photo Feeler as a Test

I use Photofeeler as a pre test for my main photos before uploading my photos. If you aren’t getting at least above mediocre results on your Photofeeler results, then you might want to relook into your main photos.

  • Your First Two Photos [Main Photos]

I call this the main photos. It’s recommend to use a high quality camera for these photos. These photos should be focusing on you and NOT the background. You should be alone in the photo, and they should be taken from waist up.

I usually use a wait up photo for the first one, and the full body shot for the next one. You should also vary the clothes you are wearing: just to demonstrate you have clothes and didn’t take the two photos in one setting just for Tinder.

One good camera angle is the snapshot effect. These are photos taken ‘in the moment’ as if you’re not even planning to take that shot. The snapshot effect sets you apart from all the other guys.

Here’s a good example of the snapshot:

  • High Quality Photoshoot Photos

I’d say to use ONE high quality photo as your main photo on Tinder from a professional photo shoot.

Investing into a photo shoot is going to be a good idea because high quality photos can serve you for months and years to come.

One of the tricks is to have a profile photo that isn’t looking at a camera. It’s said that by not looking into the camera, you are perceived as more attractive.

  • Low Quality Casual Photos

Secondly, go to your social media profiles, download out photos that portray an interesting personality and story about yourself.

These are photos where you are doing something interesting: adventurous hobbies such as rock climbing or kayaking.

These photos should demonstrate masculine qualities and positive qualities about yourself. The key here is to have a mixture of high quality photos and casual photos so that your profile stands out without looking too hard.

  • Next Two to Three Photos

You do NOT need to fill up Tinder’s entire profile. It’s going to come off as try hard if you are using all the empty Tinder slots they give you. However, it’s recommend to put in another two or three photos of you:

  1. In a leadership role (if you are giving a talk or something, all the better)
  2. Doing adventurous activities with friends (ideally, you SHOULD be the focus of the photo)
  3. Just normal hang out photos with female and male friends to demonstrate that you are a normal dude (ideally, you SHOULD be the focus of the photo)
  4. Ideally, you should portray an identity and story about yourself through your photos.

Tinder Profile Photo Shoot Tips

There is a difference in professional photography and Tinder photography. You got to instruct your photographer to take photos that are crafted for Tinder

  • Focus on you, not the background

Tinder photo

One of my better performing photos

This isn’t the perfect example, however, as you can see, the photo is mostly focused on me, and not some fancy background.

  • Golden hour photo shot

It’s a cheesy shot but one of my better performing photos as well, notice the golden hour effect

This photo is completely focused on me. You can see the photographer also used natural light as an effect in this photo. However, I look cheesy as f here, forgive me.

  • How to get a sharper face figure

You can try arching and sticking your face out forward when you do the photoshoot. This gives the effect of having a sharper face figure. Like I mentioned, Tinder (and online dating really) is heavily reliant on looks. You got to try to be as good looking as possible.

Do and Do Nots of Photos in a Tinder Profile

There are certain DO NOT dos on your Tinder profile, and selfies are one.

  • Forget Selfies

Bad tinder bio

 

Yes, forget selfies. It demonstrates that you haven’t really got friends around you.

You should also include group photos your lifestyle and hobbies in your other photos. Note, this profile should be congruent to your lifestyle and hobbies. You should also ideally be the FOCUS of the group photos. You can’t be hiding at the side.

  • Group Photos that do NOT Focus on You

Yes, group photos are recommended. However, if you’re hiring behind the entire group. She’s not going to able to point you out in the photo. If you are using a group photo, then use a group photo that has YOU as the focus in the photo.

Stand Out in Your Profile Description

The second way to stand out is to through your profile description. Think about it. You are competing with thousands and hundreds of profile descriptions day in and day out. 

Hence you are required to put in some effort into crafting a story about yourself that stands out from the rest.

Factual information about yourself is boring: use quirky language: use language that stands out.

For example, I had a software engineer as a client. Instead of putting software engineer at blah blah, I helped him craft out an interest copy: “I help planes talk to each other”

Or, I used to say that I only super like the fat girls. The strategies mentioned be quite provocative, but that’s the point. It’s done to separate you from the thousands of guys that swipe right on her profile. It’s funny and provocative.

Lastly, you do not want to over optimize your profile copy and come off as too intellectual, too try hard or use too bombastic words.

Yes, keep it simple in general. UNLESS, you want to attract snobbish intellectual girls.

  • Creative Copywriting

I had a client who’s a software engineer at Singapore’s national airlines. Instead of writing the usual bio: ‘I am a software engineer that likes coding at Singapore airlines’. I helped him re-write his profile and came up with ‘I help planes talk to each other’.

It’s not only a unique profile description, but it also creates curiosity and intrigue. I mean, what the heck is getting planes to speak to each other

The Words on Your Profile: The Copywriting

I used to think that you got to write an essay for your Tinder profile. The truth is that the more you write, the more try hard it’s perceived. The key is to go with something simple, funny, cheeky in short sentences can demonstrate your passions, lifestyle and hobbies.

Here’s an example:

“Singaporean, fought in a ring once. Likes pancakes a lot, especially with Macdonald’s butter. Thought of starting a dog insurance business once. No, I’m not lying. Solo travelled once to 11 cities in Europe on a shoelace budget.”

It’s short, simple and creative.

The profile displays one interesting fact about myself, alongside with my hobbies and my interests. The word ‘pancakes’ is light hearted to take off all the pressure from all the serious talk. I also usually try to add in some cheeky provocative lines to provoke a reaction from a girl into swiping you:

  • “Please don’t be fat in real life… :P”
  • “Sometimes, I super like the stranger looking people.”

The strategy here is to set your Tinder bio apart from 90% of the men’s profile. You need to be cheeky without being perceived as an asshole or a player.

Note: if you’re living in an Asian culture you don’t want to come across too aggressive, it’s not going to work. It’s better to be the goof-ish and cheeky.

Steal my Tinder Profile Template

If you’re really dried out of ideas, you can steal some of my profile ideas:

Not your typical Singaporean accountant, engineer, lawyer, doctor or insert *profession*… you may want to pick someone your mother may approve of.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

MY WEAKNESSES: Smiles, smarts and sass

Simply remove ‘Singaporean’ and include your nationality in it.

The Do Nots of a Tinder Profile Description

  • Lengthy Essays

There is absolutely no need to publish an essay on your description. If it is over lengthy, it’s going to come off as too hard.

Secondly, do not use big intellectual bombastic words unless you wish to attract a certain type of girl. There’s no need to be overly witty in your profile. Keep your profile description simple.

  • Bland and Vanilla Tinder Descriptions

Finally, do not be BLAND and VANILLA.

Look, every other guy is going to write something along the lines of ‘financial motivated’ or the usual hobbies that guys do. Simply ask yourself, how does your profile stand out from the 99% of other profiles? I mean, girls are also committing this crime. Notice every other girl on their profile writes that they want someone that is kind, intellectual and patient? Yes, do NOT be that guy that writes similarly.

The Limitations of a Tinder Bio

Crafting a great Tinder bio is a MUST if you wish for better quality matches matches.

There is indeed a limitation to a Tinder Bio and profile. She can’t see, touch or feel emotions when she is staring into a phone screen. Hence, you are limited by photos and words. The ugly truth is that the better looking you are in real life, the better photos you are going to get, the better matches you are going to receive.

Secondly, other than great strong profile photos and strong profile descriptions, you’ll also require strong outreach messages and texts. 

Conclusion

The Tinder profile strategies mentioned here can be quite provocative. HOWEVER, that’s the entire point. It’s done to separate you from the THOUSANDS of guys that swipe right on her profile.

When I started off, I focused a lot more on meeting women through social circles and cold approaching. I preferred that approach because I was just too lazy to be texting and swiping all day.

I also felt that people who are hell-bent on relying on merely Tinder and online dating applications may be avoiding the need to better their dating/ social skills. It easy to sit back and send witty messages from your phone, it’s much harder to put yourself in a date and strike up a conversation with a stranger.

Tinder and online dating apps should not be an entire replacement for improving your dating/ social skills. However, in a post pandemic world, everyone needs to adapt and it is a powerful supplement.

Jul 07

How to Flirt with a Girl to Make Her Just Want More +Lines

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Flirting with a girl is simply the art of bringing an interaction or a conversation with her forward in a romantic manner without being awkward or creepy. If you can’t flirt, you’re going to bore her to hell, she loses interest and you end up on dates that lead right straight into the friend zone.

Unfortunate being a male… it is on you to lead the interaction and not wait for her to initiate.

In certain cultures, sex, emotions and relationships are hardly discussed around the dinner table when growing up. If you’re an Asian, these topics aren’t least bit openly discussed or addressed. It’s no surprise that most men feel awkward flirting and communicating in a sexual manner to the opposite sex.

However, to successful date women, you MUST learn how to flirt with a girl.

How to Flirt with a Girl without Being Creepy

The majority of dating advice (arguably, pick up artist strategies) is dependent on trying one’s best not to get rejected and adjusting our behaviours according to hers.

I’d like to redefine the metric of success: it should not be about being rejected, but if you ‘played to win’. This means being able to push your interactions in a romantic/ sexual manner.

In my experience, the more her personality leans towards the feminine end, the more you are going to be required to lead in the interaction. She’s not going to initiate for you.

To lead in any male to female interaction in a charismatic manner, it’s all about learning how to flirt. In general there are two ways of flirting. There is a direct manner of flirting, and an indirect manner of flirting.

The Guide to Flirting: Direct Flirting

There’s really no magic behind direct flirting. The definition of direct flirting means expressing your affection and romantic intent for her in a direct manner.

This is done usually by making statements and physical expressions:

  • Light social touching to see how well she responses on a date
  • Trying to hold her hand on a date
  • Trying to be more intimate in her physical space on a date
  • Making romantic statements like “I find you attractive” or “you’re beautiful”

The art of direct flirting consists of simply pulling the trigger, facing the the impending success, disappointment or rejection. If you’re going to be rejected, so be it… at least you failed through playing to win.

The downsides of expressing your interest directly is that women might not be ready for it and she haven’t invested enough in the interaction. You’re also putting all your eggs on the table by taking a direct risk. Imagine going up to an attractive girl, telling her she’s beautiful, sexy and that you’ll do anything to date her… she’s going to be bored outright. Girls like you to be able to flirt. They enjoy the to and fro, flirting process a lot more than us guys.

Secondly, being able to flirt charismatically in a witty manner makes you stand out from every other guy out there… and… this brings me to indirect flirting.

The Guide to Flirting: Indirect Flirting

The framework for indirect flirting is inspire from the push pull method from the pick up artist community. It’s the art of demonstrating interest verbally and disinterest non verbally or vice versa.

Imagine being physically intimately close to a girl on a date and then telling her she’s going to be so bad for you. That’s demonstrating disinterest verbally but interest verbally.

The art of indirect flirting can be further simplified to teasing her and then telling her that you’re joking and giving her a hug saying she’s awesome.

“That’s so childish, Jane” + “I’m joking, you’re pretty adorable when you do childish things like that” + hug.

OR

You’re pulling her in for a kiss… your lips are almost touching… then you pause and say: “omg I can’t trust you just yet. I need more time between you and I.”

That’s the art of building sexual tension and making her chase a little.

The dynamic of indirect flirting creates a I love you, I hate you sort of to and fro that makes your interactions dynamic with chemistry and sparks. To flirting indirectly effectively in a charismatic manner, you need study improv, comedians and deliver your teases, pullbacks and statements with the right vocal inflection and tonality.

There are advantages and disadvantages to flirting indirectly. I made the mistake of relying on this strategy for years and came off as someone that’s insecure of directly expression affection and interest to a girl. She’s going to find you too ‘gamey’ and lose interest in you.

The key here is to mix flirting with other conversation skillsets such as connecting with her on a deeper level.

How to Flirt without being Awkward: Look for Positive Signals

There was once I was out with a friend last night at a bar in the city. Three girls sat beside him and I opened and got to know them. I initially thought I had the entire night to spill my game. Until one friend signalled to the group that she was tired and wanted to go home. There are no moral victories in the game of dating. If her friend desire to go home, the rest may follow suit.

One hour into the interaction, I had positive results with the girl I was interested in, I could tell:

  • She’s slightly chasing
  • She’s laughing

If she’s giving you positive signals, then you can increase your intensity of flirting. Yes, you can flirt with a girl indirectly by not showing interest directly and make her chase a little.

However, in some cases, you may over do it. In this case, I didn’t get to the point and I played it too cool. She’s obviously attracted. Instead of making a connection I pushed and teased too much. I wanted her to invest and to chase more. I also took quite a depersonalized approach to the interaction. I didn’t truly get to know her as a genuine person. 

It got to the point that I was trying way too hard and there wasn’t any genuine connection between us. Needless to say, I went home empty handed.

If a girl is attracted and is giving you positive signals, don’t over step your mark and make her chase too much. It’s okay to demonstrate interest and flirt directly. It’s also okay to ‘be a little needy’ to demonstrate that you’re sincere about dating her and ensuring your interaction moves forward.

For example, if you had an amazing interaction with a girl you met at the club and if she decides to go to the bathroom in the club, you can follow her despite it looking ‘needy’. It’s much better than losing the entire interaction. 

Taking that social risk and and trying to get her back to yours is much better than playing it cool and losing an interaction completely. 

How To Flirt in a Sexual Manner

Every modern dating problem starts off with the proposition that women are the gate keepers of sex and men are the gate keepers of commitment. Modern culture tends to equate love with sex, and sex with commitment and passion with unconditional love. Henceforth the burn question on millions of millions of men’s minds… how to get a girl to come over to yours?

Is there a way to flirt sexually in comfortable manner for her?

First off, you can only flirt in a sexually with women that are already giving you positive signals. She HAS to be interested.

Whilst traveling through Europe, I found myself in multiple situations where I could have gotten a girl to come back to mine if I settled for second best.

However, I got greedy and only desired the most attractive girl on that particular night out. It didn’t matter if she wasn’t giving me positive signals. It didn’t matter if she said she had a boyfriend. I told myself: “I’m not settling for anything less” and continued to flirt with a girl that wasn’t showing me any interest.

If there are many options starting in a particular night out… it is okay to be greedy. However, towards the end of the night, you want to be smart and focus on the interactions where there is an expected return. If a girl who isn’t the most attractive in the venue is interested in you and it is nearing the end of the night. You should go for her instead of gunning for the ones that aren’t showing an expected return.

The art of flirting sexually is a no brainer one. Once you have broken the physical boundary between you and her, the rest usually is quite easy:

  • Holding hands
  • Holding her by the waist
  • Frontal hugging
  • Light kisses
  • Heavy make outs
  • Heavy patting

The key concept here is to not over do it and always pull back a little. You can always make statements like “you’re so sexy and you’re bad news for me” or pulling back when there’s too much sexual tension. This means being the first one to stop kissing, the first one to let go of the hug.

See, the art of flirting is simply push, pulling and building sexual tension and desire in her.

This takes on the same principle of pushing pulling and making her chase more.

Conclusion

The art of flirting is a skillset that you can get good at over time. This is usually accompanied by other skillsets such as learning how to talk to girls, being good at improv, approach girls and daring to push your interactions with attractive women.

Flirting isn’t a cure all for your dating woes, and you might end up relying too much on indirect flirting strategies. Some times it’s better to simply express your affection/ sexual intent for her directly, grab her by the hands/ waist and let the chips fall on the table. Other times flirting can help a girl warm up to you, find you charismatic, emotionally intelligent and able to understand social cues.

In all, flirting well is a skillset to get down in your dating life.

Couples holding hand on a date
Mar 18

How to Date a Girl – Even if It’s Your First Time

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered how to date a girl? Yes, dates with women can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others keep it light. Then there are the other questions ranging from how do you get to know her on a date? How can you get to know her on dates? Can first dates with a girl lead to sex?

In my experience, as a general principle, as a male, you need to be a leader in your dates. You need to be one leading in conversation, logistically, changing venues, physically and emotionally.

How well you connect with her woman on a is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with her.

How to Date a Girl – The Ultimate Date Guide

  • Fancy First Date Idea? No, Stick to Coffee 

In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates.

This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her online dating profile, your investment is a mere coffee. Or if you’re a creep, you are both free to excuse yourselves.

  • Pick a Central Location

Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.

When picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy date ideas. For first dates, you should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never ever drive to pick anyone up for a first date.

However, you’ll soon figure out that even time and money aren’t extremely powerful forms of investment at all.

It’s the emotional investment that count.

  • Time: Evenings

You should ideally plan dates in the evening to generate more expectation.

  • Set the Tone

The first date is is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she is going to lose that attraction fast.

Oh yes, do note that a date out with her friends is NOT a date. 

  • Create Opportunities for Physical Intimacy 

In general, try to create opportunities for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates.

They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. That’s not a good idea to get to know each other.

If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good.

You want to try to introduce touch during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the entire date.

On a date

Here’s a Common First Date plan U use:

  • Meet her midway for coffee at Starbucks
  • I bounce to another cafe for another coffee, dinner or drinks (assuming she and I get a long)
  • Some times I add in something casual: walk in the parks, walks by the beach, visiting the bookstore or get her to join you in one of your hobbies

Note: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through approaching women or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process.

There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then straight to drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then only you plan something out on the second or third date.

How to Plan Out Future Dates

In general, you are not actually going spend 4-5 hours in ONE venue on a date. You’re going to have to plan for at least three activities that isn’t too high of an investment for both of you. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.

The Heavy Dinner Date? Yes or No?

I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of us get along well. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception)

However, I’m stating a hard NO to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner first dates dates: the ones where you roll up in your Dad’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant. (read: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.)

Lastly, you want your dates to be efficient: not all dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re not attracted to her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. Other than strong not wasting your time, it’s also a demonstration of strong boundaries.

Note: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then straight to drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then only you plan something out on the second or third date.

How to Plan out a Great Date

I generally do this for women I am seeing on a regularly basis. This depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem… the shopping malls. 

Planning out dates based on her or your interests is also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests.

  • Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session.
  • Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.

The Multiple Location Strategy

Ideally, on most dates, you want to take her to different date location. Psychological research suggests that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date to a location where increased intimacy can occur. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your city

So Who Pays on the Dates?

In my experience, I’ve been on dates with women who were earning higher income than me. In Singapore, the males generally start drawing an income later compared to women as they’ve got two compulsory years of national service in the military.

In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch. However, Mark Manson suggested in his book Models that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them on dates. He also argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.

Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for something cheaper such as dessert or drinks after. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re making an income. If you’re earning an income much higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her.

The key is not to make the paying part too awkward. 

How to Touch Her on the First Date

Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go on your dates. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches. 

If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you are probably told to be polite, be nice and not to be pushy with women. Let alone on first dates. I’m going to differ. It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, do all the work texting her but being unable to make a move on the date itself.

It’s also good strategy to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). Pro tip: when you’re walking beside each other on dates, you can punctuate your conversations with physical touches on or shoulder or elbows.

Note: it’s always on YOU to initiate touch as early as the first date. In modern culture, women are perceived in a negative light if they initiate on romantic/ sexual advances. That’s because by initiating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why women mostly will never initiate. Even if she really wants to. 

Candle lights

If both of you are comfortable with physical intimacy on your date, it’s a positive sign. You’ll want to take your date to somewhere more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. I personally think evening beach dates are great for intimacy and privacy. It can be playgrounds or small parks. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and lead her there.

The key is to lead, lead and always lead. 

There are going to be a percentage of women who aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy on the first couple of dates. There are going to be women who aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy at all. However, like I always say: lead, take a step back and apologize if she’s uncomfortable.

If you plan a date at a cafe or a coffeeshop, choose a seat that plants you beside her instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted to you, she won’t reject you. 

The ability to be physically intimate with women is going to differentiate your dating results by a mile.

How to Get Her to Yours on Dates

If you are physically intimate with a woman towards the end of a date then good… now you need an excuse to get her to your place. There’s no need for any fancy excuse. I used to ask women to get in my car and drive to mine without saying anything. These days, I simply say: “let’s chill at mine.”

The point is to make sure you are “not making her feel like a slut”. Take the societal pressure off her, but keep the sexual tension high. I’ll tell her not to mess up my room. I’ll tell a woman if she stays over she’s sleeping on the floor and you’re the one who’s sleeping on the bed. Saying stuff like that can take the pressure off her.

When you’re finally back at yours… get her to feel comfortable. You can play card games and keep the situation light-hearted and playful. Treat her like a little sister that you never had. Then, you can slowly be physically intimate with her. If she resist against your advances… take a step back and empathise.

My personal belief is that if you come from a standpoint of empathy, you can be that empathetic and sexually attractive male that she’ll break all rules for you. 

Usually after you start kissing and there’s a bedroom nearby… the rest is usually history. In my experience, you can get sexually intimate on first dates. However, the majority of them are simply going to happen on the second to fourth time you meet her. It all depends on the comfort level and her values on sex.

Lastly, do note that if you’re not at final base by the fourth or fifth date, she’s either not comfortable with casual sex or she’s just not interested in you.

Mar 11

How to Build Sexual Tension – Mindsets to Get Her to Chase

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

You can dress well, hit the gym and get your studies or work right, have friends that you enjoy with being have hobbies going for you… yet still fail to elicit sexual tension between you and your romantic partners.

To quote Neil Strauss:

“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”

In my first year of learning this entire attracting women thing, I spent a ton of time dolling myself up with nice-looking clothes, hitting the gym and ‘looking good’. I still didn’t get laid. In fact, I’d argue that focusing too much on being good looking may even work against you. Girls may call you out for being a player and she’s may project all sort of stereotypes onto you.

This is why you need to learn how to elicit sexual tension in your romantic interactions.

How to be Naturally Generate Sexual Tension

  • The Basics

Firstly, the basics work at all times: dress well on a date, have good relaxed open body language and eye contact. This means not being too jittery, not being shifty in your gaze and putting on a relaxed smile.

  • Get Off on Alcohol

Secondly, the dating advice out there that absolutely against alcohol in attempt to get sexual with women. I have nothing against casual drinking and trying to meet girls. It’ll be socially weird if you are out on a bar just to hit on girls with on drinks on hand. If you’re just using it as a social gel, such as getting a drink with a girl who’s already into you, then it’s fine. 

However, if you’re using alcohol as a crutch to hit on women then that’s the problem. If you’re so afraid of your own sexuality that you’re using alcohol to deal with it, then I recommend you look into my guide about toxic shame.

  • Go No Fap

I noticed a huge difference in the way I carry myself when I don’t use pornography. I’ll be more motivated to approach women and be more sexual with them. If you’re hitting the clubs in an hour, then don’t masturbate and preserve the energy for the night. If you really feel the urge to get one out, you can replace it pornographic usage with other habits.

In the popular self-help book Think or Grow Rich, it’s suggested that the most successful and powerful people in history go on sexual abstinences to preserved energy for work. Research and studies also back up that pornography can screw up your perception on sex as portrays an unrealistic picture of human sexuality. If you can’t help but need to get one off, you should only be doing it after accomplishing everything you want to achieve in the day. 

If you are raring to go with all that pent up sexual aggression… it’s going to rub off in your interactions with women. You are going to be a lot more sexually aggressive and be primed to take more social risks.

How to Generate Sexual Tension: Understanding Premise

One core principle of generating sexual tension is in art of setting a premise. It is the idea of evaluating the person you are dating as much as they are evaluating you. This not only balances out the power dynamic in the relationship, it also creates uncertainty in your interaction between you and her.

Uncertainty creates sexual tension.

Think of premise like being a doctor, as opposed to the pushy salesman. You have a problem, I have a solution and you’re the one that chooses to take up that solution. People don’t like being sold to, they like buying. 

This analogy is exemplified in the luxury products industry. Their staff isn’t pushing their luxury products in your face. You’re the one pining to be in their shops to get the that limited edition of that particular product.

In this case, you are framing yourself to be the luxury product and she’s the buyer.

Premise is the context of which you establish any relationship. If you find yourself constantly chasing, putting in an effort and not getting any investment from her end, you lack a premise. You are also likely to lack relationship boundaries.

For example, if you are always the nice guy who always makes himself available to her, she’ll perceive you as a the nice guy going forward. That’s your premise of your relationship with her moving forward in time. It’s harder to change that precedent of a relationship between you and her as opposed to establishing it early.

Of course, setting a premise in itself is limiting in itself. You need to be able to walk the talk. If you are a self-invested individual, then evaluating your time spent with anyone is part of your personal values and not some phoney trick. 

No sexual tension

Not the way to do it

Power Dynamics

If you are outrightly demonstrating your undying lover for her… she knows she already won you over right from the start. You are also putting all of your cards on the table without generating any form emotional investment on her end. You are giving away too much power too early on. She also doesn’t really feel truly appreciated by you. She doesn’t feel special.

That’s because you haven’t ‘qualified’ or ‘disqualified’ her. Only by consciously approving, disapproving, giving and withdrawing validation… you can get her to chase and emotionally invest. 

This creates sexual tension between you and her that is aching to be resolved through insatiable mutual lust.

Trust Your Gut 

There’s something to be said about trusting yourself on a gut level. The more you look to others to completely imitate sexually attractive behaviours, the more you’ll find yourself feeling like an imposter. Stop looking to others to copy behaviour. Trust yourself.

Trusting yourself and holding her hand, going for the kiss or grabbing her by the waist on a date are romantically polarizing behaviours. You’re putting yourself up for rejection. However, it demonstrates true confidence. Girls can sense that kind true confidence.

I quote a line from Models by Mark Manson:

“Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.”

Lead Physically, and Always Be Leading

To elicit sexual tension, it’s all about leading. You’ll need to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically. She’s not going to do it for you. It’s naturally congruent to be a leader and sexually confident. If you’re approaching a woman with intent, you have to back it up by being congruent. Women respond to leadership

If you’re looking to move a romantic interaction to a venue that allows for more intimacy, don’t ask, lead. She’s not going to say yes because that makes her look like the decision maker. She’s not going to lead the interaction for you. That’s because she can’t look like ‘a slut’ to modern cultural narratives. You need to be the one ‘responsible’.

You can start with light social touches (elbows and shoulders) as a means to create sexual tension and then escalate from there. If she signals that she is comfortable with your touches, then lead and slowly escalate. 

Sexual Tension isn’t Built from Memorising Lines

If you are relying on routines and canned lines to build sexual tension you are bound to run out of words. I once planned everything, worried about everything and tried to do every damned detail right in my interactions in person, in text and went to the extent of analysing every single interaction. 

Needless to say I was too stifled in my interactions. It’s a misconstrued idea that romantic interactions can be completely objectified. Social interactions ain’t a hard science. Romantic interactions are like a cosmic clash. You’re an unknown entity to her and vice versa. Some times, it’s going to be awkward for both of you. That’s completely natural. So expect some nervousness, awkwardness and ride the waves.

If you’re too reliant on canned routines, you are going to find yourself being the entertainer as opposed to the sexually arousing male. This certainly destroys sexual tension. In my younger days, I tend to get into this whole ‘frat’ boy kind of schtick when out on date just to demonstrate that I’m friendly and confident and the same time. It’s a schtick. Girls can sniff out whether you’re really sexually confident or simply putting a front. 

Sexual Tension Can Exist without Emotional Connection

Yes, you can be sexually attracted to a woman without being emotionally connected to her. For the most of us, you’re taught that for sex to happen, you need to feel emotionally connected with a woman or have to have meaningful conversations. No, that’s not true. You can feel sexual desire for woman completely for her physique. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

In reality, you are not going connect emotionally with every woman you are sexually attracted to. However, you’re mostly going to desire to have sex many physically attractive women. There’s no need to apologizing for your natural attraction to the feminine.

There are many women who aren’t looking to connect with anybody at that point of her life. She may just want to date around. Note, she’s not going to say anything that makes her look like a slut because modern society makes it hard for women to express these notions. Hence, don’t decide for her whether there’s sexual tension between you and her.

Looking back, I had tons of times where I was out with a girl and didn’t notice that there was chemistry. I thought we were simply ‘hanging out’. Needless to say, I missed out on a ton of opportunities.

Conclusion

Creating sexual tension goes hand in hand with simply deciding to take control in your romantic interactions.

The majority of men are afraid of sexualising an interaction is because they are afraid of expressing their own sexuality. Look, you can’t do anything if a girl decides to slap you when you try going in for the kiss. You can’t do anything if you said something a joke that was funny to you but ended up pissing her off. In spite of everything, always be leading.

This is part of an unapologetic attractive man’s attitude. It is to be responsible for one’s own desires and stop worrying about things out of your control: other people’s actions and emotions. 

How to Talk to Girls 03
Mar 04

How to Talk to Girls – The Ultimate Guide

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

She’s your ideal girl and you feel nervous… you stutter on your words and you finally screw it up big time. Talking to an attractive girl can be intimidating. Yet, it can be learned. This is true be if you’re chatting up a stranger at the shopping or out on a date. This means being able to generate conversations out of mid air with a girl that doesn’t involve you looking like you’re an interviewing her.

How to Talk to Girls – The Ultimate Guide

Some times I get questions on how do I go about talking to women that are complete strangers. I simply say it’s ’empathy’. They often give me confused look. Empathy? What’s that? How does it even look like?

Fundamentally, empathy means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagining how he or she feels in that particularly situation.

Empathy also means should also be aware of her body language. If a woman looks shocked and slightly taken a back, you can take tiny step back and give her more personal space. Here’s a tip: a light smile helps a lot. Such subtleties are different for every woman. It’s also different for different girls you talk to. Girls who are more shy are going to be a lot more taken a back from girls who gets talked to regularly.

Starting out, you’re going to be really worried about lines, techniques, your body language, tonality, eye contact and etc. That’s normal.

However, as you progress. You’ll also find that connecting with women isn’t that difficult after all. The majority of girls aren’t going to slap you in the face.

How to Lead in Your Conversation

One core principle of talking to girls is the ability to lead in conversation.

Fear of running out or words? Fear not.

This can be accomplished by learning the skillset of cold reading. Cold read is the art of generating statements out of cold air. Cold reading can also help you avoid looking like an interviewer. Over the years, I realised questions are inevitable in certain cultures. Just making statements isn’t going to help. The general rule of thumb is to make a statement before asking her a question.

Cold reading isn’t just enough to form a deep conversation with a stranger, you’ll need to know how to:

“You look like you’re on the way to school. Nice shoes by the way. Let me guess, you must be a business student.”

She’s going to either correct you or agree with you at this point of time. It doesn’t matter. It gives you conversational material to work with.

“I study accounting, I don’t really enjoy it, but the practical side of me says that I got to do it, what about you, you’re passionate about business or you’re just following the path of a Singaporean girl?”

You should also attempt to tease her early on in the interaction to lighten your interaction up.

‘You’re probably going to lose money for your company. You totally don’t look like a business student.’

Note: do it with a smile of course.

This is an example talking to a girl after approaching her, coupled with the cold reading skillset, sprinkled with a light compliment. Light compliments and teasing help ease the interaction.

Following up on her response, you can continue asking her questions or statements. This requires free association and conversational improvisation skills. This requires practice. You can’t script or prepare humour. Here’s a mental shortcut: I find useful to stick to general principles such as teasing her about her stereotype that she fits into. If you’re still confused, I created courses as a dating coach that has helped people all over the world succeed in their dating life.

The Art of Story Telling: How to Tell a Story

Can you come off as charismatic when talking to anyone? Starting conversations is an important skill. However, learning how to continue them in a dynamic manner is also equally important.

Ever know someone who went on and on and on… you can’t help but quietly look away hoping he gets the signal that he’s being too too long-winded? Or maybe you know someone who awkwardly attempts to fit in a joke in his conversations?

Human beings, by nature, are enrapt by stories. People in power, businessmen, priests (erhem), comedians, and politicians all use the art of storytelling to explain, persuade and influence others to their way of thinking.

In the dating advice for men community, memorising stories and routines are popular methods. Whilst this might work in the short run, there’s going to come a point of time where you’re going to run out of words. Hence, I advocate understanding the principles of what makes a dynamic conversation and apply them using your own life stories and experiences.

Learning how to tell a story in a structured, and interesting manner will make you a good conversationalist and every great story has a rough three-step process.

  • The Set Up

The set up gives context to the conflict of the story. It’s the general setting, such as the location and brief details of the story. The set up should be as short as possible. But it’s necessary to give the initial context and foundation for the follow-up of the complete story.

If you don’t set up your stories, you’ll come off to others as random in your conversations.

One simple one lined example of the “set up” would be this:

“I was attending my school orientation the other day. Whilst watching the orientation games, there was this girl that tripped and fell. I was an asshole about it and laughed a little.”

It’s descriptive and gives background to the story.

  • The Conflict

The conflict is the part where you introduce the majority of the story. This should be the part that causes tension and expectancy. The content of the story needs to be captivating and hook others into wanting to know what will happen next. If there isn’t much conflict in the content of your stories, you will get the feeling that you ramble on a lot and others are not paying attention to you.

To continue to story from the set up:

“One of the most attractive girls in the whole of the camp took me by surprise and gave me a smack on my arm. I actually froze up! I froze up and walked away like an idiot! I should have just said something out of my mouth or smacked her back. But I didn’t. I retardedly froze up and walked away.”

“However, I never really felt right, that’s because I didn’t want myself worth to be judged on how many girls date, or anything like that. I also felt I wasn’t experienced enough to coach guys that might be twice my age.”

  • The Resolution/ Punchline

The resolution and the punchline are where you insert ‘the moral of the story’, the ‘punchline’ and the ‘joke’ to end of the story, or just closure for a generic story. People who don’t conclude their stories properly will often get blank stares when they’re finished speaking, or people will ask them “Yeah, and…?”

To end off the story with a punchline:

“Lesson learned! Never ever stand beside an attractive woman during orientation games.” (Joke)

“Nonetheless, I’ve decided to give it a shot, as long as I do my research, and stick to my values, and business values, I’m sure it’ll turn out alright.”

These are all true stories by the way.

Learning how to tell stories in a dynamic and interesting manner is a conversational habit has helped me over the years with strangers, sales and persuading others in my business and dating life. Learning how to structure your conversations is going to be helpful for everything from sales presentations, networking events, casual conversations and other forms of social interactions. It can also make or break a romantic interaction when you’re expected to lead in conversation.

The Art of Qualification: Deep Appreciation

Mark Twain was quoted saying: “really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

When was the last time someone took notice of something about you and appreciated that aspect of you? You see, appreciation is as aspect that’s left out in our culture and conversations. That’s because it genuine appreciation requires vulnerability.

The secret desire is that everyone desires to be appreciated and to be admired. The art of qualification is the art of appreciating someone for their values or personality. The way to get good at this is to step outside one’s initial judgments and ask yourself why someone behaves the way they do.

I also don’t mean complimenting someone for the sake of complimenting them. You got to convey your compliments in an authentic manner.

For example: the guy who seems fearless in his entrepreneurial pursuits, selfish with his time, demand and uptight about his schedule isn’t actually being an asshole. He could be working on a huge project that may help his family financially.

Someone who is extremely financially motivated might not be money minded. He might be doing it because he had a negative experience financially when he was young.

I choose to write about social skills, dating and relationships because I essentially care about this area of my life. Writers make choices. It must certainly mean something to me. So does everyone, with whatever they choose to pursue.

The world is mired in advertising, societal narratives, family, friends telling you and everyone else that they aren’t good enough. If you’re able to dig beneath the surface, figure out why people do what they do and appreciate them for that, you’ll stand out from the norm in their lives. It’s only when you find that gold in someone, appreciate them for that, and watch them lit up like a Christmas tree.

How to Build a Deep Emotional Connection with a Woman

You and I all have an inherent emotional need for connection and significance in our relationships. Modern society often shames us for expressing what you really feel or think. Hence all of us grow up to hold back our thoughts, desires, and feelings, whether be it consciously or subconsciously.

If you’re going to connect on a deeper level with a woman and merely talk about the weather, gossip on your mutual friends or nerd out about politics, then you aren’t being truly vulnerable. If all you know about someone is merely the superficial facts about her, then you don’t really know her at all.

How to Talk to Girls 11

Men tend to converse through information, fact and theories. On the other hand women connect through relationships and emotions. The majority of men pay attention to the “WHATs” of life: their job, their cat’s name and where they live. They rarely peer into the WHYs. Note that facts are mere superficial details of the emotions experienced. You want to relate to the underlying emotions behind the facts.

Conversing through stories and emotions will not only help you connect with her on a deeper manner, but it’ll also help you connect on a more meaningful level. Deeper friendships and romantic relationships aren’t merely built by the number of experiences two people share together, it’s also built upon share values. If you haven’t figure out by now: values are why we do and act on our life choices.

No matter how unique you may think you are, every individual in the world has gone through some form of success, failure, hurt, disappointment, anger and lost. If you wish to connect with her emotionally, you got to open yourself up and relate through these universal emotions and experiences.

I often tell people that I’m quite a good judge of character and their motivation. That’s because I pay attention to the undercurrent of what that person is saying, as opposed to the superficial layers. Emotional connection is built upon empathising and relating to each other’s WHYs in life.

You need to pay attention to the motivations behind pursuits and behaviours.

Here’s an example of going into the WHYs:

Her: Wow, what inspired you to be an entrepreneur at such a young age?
Me: I pursue business I want to be financially free because I felt financially suffocated during my teenage years as my family went bankrupt for a period of time.

That is a ‘why’.

Here’s another way to relate in a deeper way:

I was once a competitor in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and currently I’m an entrepreneur. The feeling before a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competition is the same pressure before a giving a business pitch.

They are both some sort of competition in some way. One of them is trying to overcome a physical challenge whilst the other a financial one. The Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competitor is risking failure, success, and embarrassment just like how the entrepreneur is.

Never thought how a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu can relate to an entrepreneurship uh?

Like I mentioned, everyone on this planet shares a handful of universal emotional realities: ambition, shame, alienation, loneliness, achievement, regret, hardship, friendship, love, heartbreak. You and I have all experienced it. The facts change, but the feelings stay the same.

It’s merely how well and willing you are able to express yours. This will in turn inspire others to share theirs. This requires a degree of vulnerability. It’s true that many carry themselves in a superficial manner in order to fit in with society. However, everybody has it somewhere in them. It’s your job to dig it out and connect with that part of them. That’s where the real magic happens.

To do this you need to be self aware of your own life stories and motivations.

Be Aware of Your Own Life Stories and Motivations

The rule of thumb here is to always go first. If you share a vulnerable part of yourself, it’ll inspire her to share. However, to do that, you first have to be firstly aware of your own emotions, motivations and life story.

This includes:

  • Your passions and favourite things to do
  • Your dreams, ambitions, life goals
  • Best/worst thing that has happened to you
  • Your childhood, family life and upbringing

You can initiate these conversations by a simple cold read: you look like someone that is close to your family.

This is where majority of men fail at this. Men tend to discuss technical know-hows and superficial details rather than be introspective about their own emotions.

Here’s a reframe: by being alright with sharing any part of yourself, you can become truly confident. The majority of guys suck at talking about themselves. They think talking about themselves is ‘weird’ in some ways. Women, on the other hand are super engaged when they are talking about themselves (or each other). This is why women enjoy gossiping, creating drama or people watching.

Here is an example:

I always wanted to be a psychologist growing up because I had a lot of problems growing up as a rebellious teenager. I was always angry, apathetic and under performing. I ended up being hooked onto self development due to a horrible break up with my ex-girlfriend. I was addicted to the fact that I could have a control over my dating life and social interactions.

Through years of failure, today, I feel much more in control of my dating life. I took an interest in psychology that partially inspired my entrepreneurial projects.

However, if you talk about how you FEEL about your experiences, then you can relate to how she FEELS about her experiences. It’s never the experiences themselves that make the difference, it’s the similar underlying emotions of those experiences that you relate to someone that makes a difference.

Here are some examples:

She studies really hard to get into law school because she was brought up by a single Mum and she wants to be self-reliant and independent. That’s driving her. You can relate to her by saying that you had a distant upbringing with your family and you always had to rely on yourself emotionally to get by.

When you open up about yourself and can relate to each other’s emotions and experience, you’ll elicit them to to open up about themselves. The more this goes on, the more personal stories become and the deeper the emotions you connect with. The harder it is to talk about it as a subject, the more genuine and attractive it potentially can be. For example, topics such as childhood, upbringing and family life are often hard for someone to express, especially so in Asian culture.

Emotional connection occurs only through exposing yourself to a certain degree. It cannot be faked.

Confrontation and Boundaries

Confrontation is necessary to build a deeper emotional connection. Think of it as a parent who sits you down, says something that you don’t want to hear, but know that you should hear. You hate it at first, however, you appreciate that after awhile because deep down you know they are saying so because they care for you.

How to Talk to Girls 03

Confrontation can be painful and vulnerable. The majority of people avoid confrontation in the fear of rocking the boats in a relationship. However, it is necessary. Confrontation was something I started to get more comfortable with as I grew older. This is especially so with close relationships.

Confrontation from a dating and relationships standpoint can be as simple as calling a girl out for being half an hour late into a date. These conversations are almost often downright uncomfortable, but necessary. However, it is only through confrontation that an authentic and deeper relationship is formed.

Recently, I confronted two good friends. I was feeling really upset on their unreliability and a host of other issues. I kept it in for months. However, it finally felt inauthentic to be around them without expressing those issues. It didn’t feel like a genuine friendship anymore. It felt like I was holding back my thoughts and desires in fear of losing the relationship.

Should You Memorize Lines for Conversations?

Some times I get the question if you should memorize lines for conversations with girls. Personally, I never felt right memorising lines. It has never turned out well for me. Furthermore, you don’t want to be some robotic person repeating what somebody wrote on the internet.

There’s no need to memorize anything, I’ve started conversations with girls all over the world with this simple line: “Hi I’m Marcus, I just wanted to say Hi, you look like…”.

I haven’t had a drink splashed on me yet.

I recommend understanding the underyling principles of how to converse with a girl by using your own unique life stories and motivations. This will serve you much better in the long run. Social interactions has many variables that are out of your control and cannot be completely boxed and quantified like a formula.

However, if you’re starting out, I guess you can memorize one line jokes or some of your own life stories as training wheels.

Putting it all Together

When you combine multiple conversational skillsets of cold reading, making statements over questions, humour, storytelling, improvisation and deep emotional connection, you’ll eventually find yourself in being able to direct and control the flow of any conversation. This is actually easier than it sounds. You are probably already using different parts of these skillsets in your daily conversations.

When I was seventeen years of age, I was the biggest countercultural hippie. I listened to John Lennon, dropped out of Junior College and proclaimed that all you need is love. I declared that life was all too short to be worried about the practical things in life.

I was with my ex girlfriend and we sat at the playground near my house. I went off about how societal expectations were ridiculous and gave a mini-lecture quarter baked lecture on the universe and the impermanence of reality. I told her how amazing it was to exist as a tiny speck of the universe. I ranted passionately for a good hour. She listened. And she listened well.

I then caught myself rambling and stared into her eyes.

I said: “Were you even listening, did you understand what I just said?”

She said: “No, I don’t. But I just love the way you say it.”

I got annoyed because I wanted her to understand my quarter baked theoretical lecture. She didn’t. However, years later, looking back, she probably loved how I expressed it. It was my passion, my values and storytelling at it’s finest. That was because those stories demonstrated my vulnerability.

Fast forward years later and I found myself dating another girl at this bar near my home. I had gotten into competitive martial arts and was preparing for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament. I ranted off on about how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is similar to the game of human chess. I told her Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was akin to facing death.

I explained to her that by being submitted in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match, it is the equivalent of dying. You’re either choked out, or risk suffering a major limb broken which will lead you to a huge disability continuing the fight. I then went on about how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu teaches everyone to be humble because getting into a physical altercation in reality always pans out differently from the movies.

Guess what? She loved it. She just stared at me like my ex girlfriend did, mesmerised at how I went on passionately about something I cared about.

Complete different people, and completely different stories. Nonetheless, the same universal emotions. The facts often get shifted around, however, the feelings are always same.

Oct 28

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

I get a lot of: “how to get my ex-girlfriend back” questions and requests. The majority of them don’t eventually end up being a client. The majority of these clients coming in, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution when they are outrightly asking “how to get your ex girlfriend back”. I’m going to address this in this article of firstly how to get your ex-girlfriend back, and secondly to have the right mindset about this.

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

These clients probably got dumped out of the blue and now they’re trying to get their ex-girlfriend back. There are solutions to this, short-term solutions that will rely on game theory and short-term psychology tactics. The first short-term strategy you can use is actually using the pick up artist concept of: changing the frame. When you change the frame, you are changing the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

So firstly right, let’s assume that you are the one being dumped.

Let assume you are the one chasing her, trying to get her attention back, trying to get her back in your life, and almost pleading with her. The underlying frame of the interaction is you are being dumped and you are chasing her back.

So Marcus, what do you mean by changing the frame? When you change the frame you’re actually reversing the rules. This means, demonstrating that: we have broken up, I’ve moved on with my life and I have better things to do, and I’m going to lead a life with or without you. This is what I mean by the underlying meaning behind changing the frame.

This can be demonstrated when you’re texting, this can be demonstrated on social media, this can be demonstrated when you speak about each other within your social circle assuming that you have mutual friends.

Of course you know in Asia it’s pretty … a tightly knitted society so news do get around. So yes, one of the most simple ways is to actually, you know, demonstrate that you are actually doing well in life without her. So that can be easily demonstrated on social media unless she blocks you (read: which is a pretty smart thing to do.)

I know so many couples that have broken up, they still text each other for some inane reason, and normally there is always one partner that’s trying to get back the other. Or there’s like some level of resentment and they are still trashing things out. Or both sides are being really reactive and there’s a whole, you know, rollercoaster dynamic right there, so one of the best ways to actually change the frame through a texting perspective is to actually give neutral responses, right?

Instead of pleading or trying to get her attention or trying to bribe her over with money, compliments and all of that. It’s better to give neutral responses in your text messages.

For example, if she’s trying to get some validation from you or she’s trying to initiate the conversation, or maybe she’s asking you:”do you ever see us getting back together?” You can actually reply by giving a neutral response which would entail something like, “I don’t know, but I wish you the best and you know, I’m pretty busy with this, I’ve actually tried out this new thing,”

It’s actually kind of going back to the days where you just met and trying to kind of demonstrate value again. Let’s be honest, a lot of people break up for different reasons, and one of the reasons is because the male or the female has actually, you know, gotten lazy in maintaining that relationship.

Compare this to the time when you guys first just met and both sides are actually putting in effort to put your best foot forward so that you can get her as a girlfriend or she can get you as a boyfriend. Hence, the short-term solution is change the frame, change the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

However, I want to talk a little bit about the long-term solution, I want to talk about something that is not commonly talked about. This is the psychology of getting over your ex girlfriend. That’s because if you do not apply these processes, after the breakup, you’ll find yourself chasing that approval, your old traumas are being triggered, your abandonment issues are being triggered.

5 Stages of Grief and Loss: How to Heal from a Break Up

It takes time to heal from an affair and completely understand your ex’s infidelity. Unlike all other dating coaches that tell you to just ‘man up’, I am going to tell you it’s very normal for everyone, men or women, to go through a grief process of loss. This is researched in psychology: the five stages of grief.

The five stages are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages literally roughly mean those words. They do not come one after another and are an interconnected process where you can jump stages or you can experience this stage before that stage.

This was true for me from my own experience. When I was a teenager and I got dumped over just one text message. I was in denial. I was in denial for months until when I enlisted into the Singapore military and that’s where it all hit me. I was angry and I was sad all at one go. It all hit me and I broke emotionally. So this is why we need to heal. We need to grieve.

This grieve process is not spoken about. This isn’t addressed properly enough in especially Asian culture where the “man” is supposed to actually just be the tough guy and just take the loss. “Just take it on the chin”, and just move on! Let’s not address it, repress it and push it down. Only to find it boiling up after three months, half a year, or a year. Then you might end up going  into a fit or do something silly.

The Psychology behind 5 Stages of Grief and Loss

It’s that psychological loss will only heal if unnecessary containment such as unreasonable guilt and resentments can be worked out through. This plays out by trashing it out with your ex and achieving closure. This is why initially when you first break up, it’s quite important to trash it out and to lash it out.

Yet again, there are cultural narratives that says; “you’re not supposed to show your emotions”. You’re not supposed to feel, you’re not supposed to trash it out. Let’s not be angry, right? It’s very evident in Asian culture. How many times have you heard growing up: “just be the good kid, do not throw a fit, behave yourself!”

The second method suggested is to help the individual be prevented from feeling isolated and help to feel connected to others.

The third one is having a positive outlook.

So let me expand on these two last methods. So assuming that you’re going through a breakup process, you are still in the process of healing, of grieving. It’s important to get support. This can come from your community, from friends, from coaches and from therapy: through a clinical psychologist or through a licensed therapist.

I recommend therapy because especially when we’re young, our friends are not actually matured enough to actually guide us to the correct direction or to actually feel with us or sympathise or empathise with us.

This was true for me when I was a teenager. I remembered that after I broke up like for two weeks, my friends were at that point of time having a meal with my ex-girlfriend and posting it on social media. I felt butthurt about it. Getting psychologically support from friends might not be the best option.

The thing with relationships and breakups and psychology is that a lot of things can get messy. There’s a lot of nuances and weird things. The opposite party across you might be judging on it. Relationships are messy, people break up for all sorts of reasons, for irrational reasons, for weird reasons.

This is why I actually recommend looking into psychotherapy, into getting a therapist to actually guide you through the process. These people are usually much older than you, they are licensed, they have six years of clinical training to actually practice as a psychologist. You’re also dealing with science in a clinical setting and decades of research. Sometimes, I would pick that over having friends’ advice or friends’ support. Unless you have a really good friend who’s highly empathetic and highly sympathetic, and is able to truly empathise with you without judgment.

The Long Term Solution to Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Looking Desperate

Here is where I want to get into the long-term solution.

Some clients when they come through my marketing funnel when they’ve just broken up, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution which is trying to get an ex-girlfriend back. Trying to find out a strategy, a way, or learn ‘game’ just to get a ex-girlfriend back, as a control strategy against hurt and abandonment trauma and emotional growth.

The long-term solution is to actually understand the psychology of your breakup, of why you ended up breaking up in the first place. For one, rollercoaster relationships are a huge reason why people break up in the end, because you were leading an unhealthy relationship with her.

I recommend looking at attachment theory. There’s decades of research on anxious and avoidant attachment. The dynamic between anxious and avoidant attachment is where one person is chasing and the other person is avoiding and it just flips to and fro. This is an example of a relationship that I somewhat experienced when I was a teenager. I was avoidant and she was anxious and then we just flipped around where I chased her and she chased me and it was never ending to the point where it just got too frustrating for both sides.

Psychologists theorise we experience romantic love similarly to how we experience love from our parents when we were a kid, and we tend to confuse the two where we think that the love that we are getting from our partner is akin to our parents.

This is why when you break up you’ll feel super triggered and you’ll feel like your life is ending. That’s because as a kid it’s your interest to survive and you need that love from your parents. Now that you’ve grown up but your psychology is not matured enough and now that your girlfriend or your boyfriend has dumped you, this is akin to your parents abandoning you and going against your needs for survival.

You’ll require emotional awareness to actually differentiate the two.

Hence, a long-term solution is to actually understand rollercoaster relationships, understand the psychology of why you guys actually broke off right. And whether it is a healthy relationship in the first place.

Closing Thoughts

I was in a mess after my ex-girlfriend dumped me over text message. I remembered spending the next three months in a living hell in my head trying to get her back, trying to get her on the phone. I emotionally broke down all alone on a military island. That was the point where I realised that I really didn’t have it down right.

I used to think I was a tough guy. I did martial arts in my teens, I got into street fights, and I used to think I was tough. That was what got me to repress my break up. I could tell you exactly what I felt at that point in time, I was like: “screw that bitch I’m going to go into the military. I’m going to be a military officer. I’m going to achieve my way through this pain”.

On the contrary, within eight days into the first 14 days confinement in the military, I broke down and everything just went haywire. I wasn’t even motivated to actually achieve in the military. This is why I want to stress: emotional health, understanding the psychology of relationships and dating is extremely important.

Lastly, this concept isn’t addressed enough in Asian culture. It’s something that’s not spoken or actively discussed in Asian culture. I hope everyone reading this took something away something and actually maybe start valuing your dating and relationships life and understanding your own psychology.

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