Oct 28

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

I get a lot of: “how to get my ex-girlfriend back” questions and requests. The majority of them don’t eventually end up being a client. The majority of these clients coming in, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution when they are outrightly asking “how to get your ex girlfriend back”. I’m going to address this in this article of firstly how to get your ex-girlfriend back, and secondly to have the right mindset about this.

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

These clients probably got dumped out of the blue and now they’re trying to get their ex-girlfriend back. There are solutions to this, short-term solutions that will rely on game theory and short-term psychology tactics. The first short-term strategy you can use is actually using the pick up artist concept of: changing the frame. When you change the frame, you are changing the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

So firstly right, let’s assume that you are the one being dumped.

Let assume you are the one chasing her, trying to get her attention back, trying to get her back in your life, and almost pleading with her. The underlying frame of the interaction is you are being dumped and you are chasing her back.

So Marcus, what do you mean by changing the frame? When you change the frame you’re actually reversing the rules. This means, demonstrating that: we have broken up, I’ve moved on with my life and I have better things to do, and I’m going to lead a life with or without you. This is what I mean by the underlying meaning behind changing the frame.

This can be demonstrated when you’re texting, this can be demonstrated on social media, this can be demonstrated when you speak about each other within your social circle assuming that you have mutual friends.

Of course you know in Asia it’s pretty … a tightly knitted society so news do get around. So yes, one of the most simple ways is to actually, you know, demonstrate that you are actually doing well in life without her. So that can be easily demonstrated on social media unless she blocks you (read: which is a pretty smart thing to do.)

I know so many couples that have broken up, they still text each other for some inane reason, and normally there is always one partner that’s trying to get back the other. Or there’s like some level of resentment and they are still trashing things out. Or both sides are being really reactive and there’s a whole, you know, rollercoaster dynamic right there, so one of the best ways to actually change the frame through a texting perspective is to actually give neutral responses, right?

Instead of pleading or trying to get her attention or trying to bribe her over with money, compliments and all of that. It’s better to give neutral responses in your text messages.

For example, if she’s trying to get some validation from you or she’s trying to initiate the conversation, or maybe she’s asking you:”do you ever see us getting back together?” You can actually reply by giving a neutral response which would entail something like, “I don’t know, but I wish you the best and you know, I’m pretty busy with this, I’ve actually tried out this new thing,”

It’s actually kind of going back to the days where you just met and trying to kind of demonstrate value again. Let’s be honest, a lot of people break up for different reasons, and one of the reasons is because the male or the female has actually, you know, gotten lazy in maintaining that relationship.

Compare this to the time when you guys first just met and both sides are actually putting in effort to put your best foot forward so that you can get her as a girlfriend or she can get you as a boyfriend. Hence, the short-term solution is change the frame, change the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

However, I want to talk a little bit about the long-term solution, I want to talk about something that is not commonly talked about. This is the psychology of getting over your ex girlfriend. That’s because if you do not apply these processes, after the breakup, you’ll find yourself chasing that approval, your old traumas are being triggered, your abandonment issues are being triggered.

5 Stages of Grief and Loss: How to Heal from a Break Up

It takes time to heal from an affair and completely understand your ex’s infidelity. Unlike all other dating coaches that tell you to just ‘man up’, I am going to tell you it’s very normal for everyone, men or women, to go through a grief process of loss. This is researched in psychology: the five stages of grief.

The five stages are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages literally roughly mean those words. They do not come one after another and are an interconnected process where you can jump stages or you can experience this stage before that stage.

This was true for me from my own experience. When I was a teenager and I got dumped over just one text message. I was in denial. I was in denial for months until when I enlisted into the Singapore military and that’s where it all hit me. I was angry and I was sad all at one go. It all hit me and I broke emotionally. So this is why we need to heal. We need to grieve.

This grieve process is not spoken about. This isn’t addressed properly enough in especially Asian culture where the “man” is supposed to actually just be the tough guy and just take the loss. “Just take it on the chin”, and just move on! Let’s not address it, repress it and push it down. Only to find it boiling up after three months, half a year, or a year. Then you might end up going  into a fit or do something silly.

The Psychology behind 5 Stages of Grief and Loss

It’s that psychological loss will only heal if unnecessary containment such as unreasonable guilt and resentments can be worked out through. This plays out by trashing it out with your ex and achieving closure. This is why initially when you first break up, it’s quite important to trash it out and to lash it out.

Yet again, there are cultural narratives that says; “you’re not supposed to show your emotions”. You’re not supposed to feel, you’re not supposed to trash it out. Let’s not be angry, right? It’s very evident in Asian culture. How many times have you heard growing up: “just be the good kid, do not throw a fit, behave yourself!”

The second method suggested is to help the individual be prevented from feeling isolated and help to feel connected to others.

The third one is having a positive outlook.

So let me expand on these two last methods. So assuming that you’re going through a breakup process, you are still in the process of healing, of grieving. It’s important to get support. This can come from your community, from friends, from coaches and from therapy: through a clinical psychologist or through a licensed therapist.

I recommend therapy because especially when we’re young, our friends are not actually matured enough to actually guide us to the correct direction or to actually feel with us or sympathise or empathise with us.

This was true for me when I was a teenager. I remembered that after I broke up like for two weeks, my friends were at that point of time having a meal with my ex-girlfriend and posting it on social media. I felt butthurt about it. Getting psychologically support from friends might not be the best option.

The thing with relationships and breakups and psychology is that a lot of things can get messy. There’s a lot of nuances and weird things. The opposite party across you might be judging on it. Relationships are messy, people break up for all sorts of reasons, for irrational reasons, for weird reasons.

This is why I actually recommend looking into psychotherapy, into getting a therapist to actually guide you through the process. These people are usually much older than you, they are licensed, they have six years of clinical training to actually practice as a psychologist. You’re also dealing with science in a clinical setting and decades of research. Sometimes, I would pick that over having friends’ advice or friends’ support. Unless you have a really good friend who’s highly empathetic and highly sympathetic, and is able to truly empathise with you without judgment.

The Long Term Solution to Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Looking Desperate

Here is where I want to get into the long-term solution.

Some clients when they come through my marketing funnel when they’ve just broken up, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution which is trying to get an ex-girlfriend back. Trying to find out a strategy, a way, or learn ‘game’ just to get a ex-girlfriend back, as a control strategy against hurt and abandonment trauma and emotional growth.

The long-term solution is to actually understand the psychology of your breakup, of why you ended up breaking up in the first place. For one, rollercoaster relationships are a huge reason why people break up in the end, because you were leading an unhealthy relationship with her.

I recommend looking at attachment theory. There’s decades of research on anxious and avoidant attachment. The dynamic between anxious and avoidant attachment is where one person is chasing and the other person is avoiding and it just flips to and fro. This is an example of a relationship that I somewhat experienced when I was a teenager. I was avoidant and she was anxious and then we just flipped around where I chased her and she chased me and it was never ending to the point where it just got too frustrating for both sides.

Psychologists theorise we experience romantic love similarly to how we experience love from our parents when we were a kid, and we tend to confuse the two where we think that the love that we are getting from our partner is akin to our parents.

This is why when you break up you’ll feel super triggered and you’ll feel like your life is ending. That’s because as a kid it’s your interest to survive and you need that love from your parents. Now that you’ve grown up but your psychology is not matured enough and now that your girlfriend or your boyfriend has dumped you, this is akin to your parents abandoning you and going against your needs for survival.

You’ll require emotional awareness to actually differentiate the two.

Hence, a long-term solution is to actually understand rollercoaster relationships, understand the psychology of why you guys actually broke off right. And whether it is a healthy relationship in the first place.

Closing Thoughts

I was in a mess after my ex-girlfriend dumped me over text message. I remembered spending the next three months in a living hell in my head trying to get her back, trying to get her on the phone. I emotionally broke down all alone on a military island. That was the point where I realised that I really didn’t have it down right.

I used to think I was a tough guy. I did martial arts in my teens, I got into street fights, and I used to think I was tough. That was what got me to repress my break up. I could tell you exactly what I felt at that point in time, I was like: “screw that bitch I’m going to go into the military. I’m going to be a military officer. I’m going to achieve my way through this pain”.

On the contrary, within eight days into the first 14 days confinement in the military, I broke down and everything just went haywire. I wasn’t even motivated to actually achieve in the military. This is why I want to stress: emotional health, understanding the psychology of relationships and dating is extremely important.

Lastly, this concept isn’t addressed enough in Asian culture. It’s something that’s not spoken or actively discussed in Asian culture. I hope everyone reading this took something away something and actually maybe start valuing your dating and relationships life and understanding your own psychology.

Jun 23

How does Tinder Work For Guys – Do You Need Tons of Matches?

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

How can Tinder work for you in the midst of pandemics, lockdowns, social distancing and masks wearing? You may find yourself at the mercy of online dating applications such as Tinder in these periods.

However not to fret, Tinder can be a potential saviour to your dating life!

Tinder can work for you if:

How does Tinder Work Myth Busting: No Need for Tons of Matches

It’s not uncommon for dating coaches to flash their Tinder results with a thousands likes and matches. It seems a far stretch for the common man.

You’ll also find that these dating coaches are also… kinda good looking.

I’d like to bust a myth: you do NOT need hundreds or thousands of matches and likes to get high quality dates and results from Tinder. 

I’m 167 cm tall and Asian.

I do not have supermodel looking physical traits and neither do my clients.

However, in spite of all of that, my clients and I generate high quality dates week-in and week-out using Tinder and other online dating applications.

Here are some of my results:

I spent months running paid tests on Tinder and other online dating applications and the jury is out: you can get high quality matches and dates from Tinder without a ton of matches.

Once pandemic measures are lifted and you are allowed go on dates, travel freely… if you had invested in yourself during this period and are competent with Tinder to generate high quality matches and dates. Then combining it with in person dating skills is going to pay off.

Tinder Paid Functions: Tinder Platinum, Gold, Boost and Super Likes

Firstly, there is a general consensus around men’s dating coaching industry suggesting that you’ll mostly only be able to get scaled results from paying for the premium services on dating applications: Tinder gold and Tinder boost.

Here’s my personal experience: you CAN get results without paying for these services.

HOWEVER, if you wish to truly scale your Tinder results, I recommend purchasing the paid functions of Tinder Platinum, Gold and Tinder Boost. (I am not affiliated with Tinder in any way shape or form)

  • Tinder Platinum

Tinder Platinum enables you to send a message before liking a girl’s profile. This is extremely helpful. The ability to use text and further finesse your conversational starter on Tinder can skyrocket your results.

I tested method through other dating applications such as CoffeeMeetsBagel and Hinge.

Yes, girls do read your conversational starters.

  • Tinder Gold

One of the key features of Tinder gold is the ability to evaluate the quality of matches you are getting.

It’s pointless to use Tinder boost, chalk up matches but not being able to evaluate or match with them.

I use Tinder Gold along side with Tinder boost. You can also use an excel spreadsheet to record the number of likes and quality of matches after each boost.

  • Tinder Boosting at the Right Times

There are ideal times to boost.

I generally keep it to two Tinder boosts a day. Some times I use more boosts to test out a new profile photo or description.

Yes, you can get more matches boosting in the evening at strategic timing at 6pm.

Here’s a study of match times:

Source: https://www.nielsen.com/us/en/insights/article/2016/got-a-minute-how-our-use-of-communication-apps-changes-by-the-hour/

  • Tinder Superlikes

Super likes are a good way to standout when it comes to online dating. The trick here is not to super like girls that are far out of your reach, but to super like girls that are you are more likely to get matched with.

How Not Get Your Tinder Profile Shadow Banned

It is suggested that the Tinder algorithm is sensitive to your selectivity of swiping.

Your profile is going to show up more often to attractive women (who are extremely selective) if you are selective as well. So, do NOT spam swiping right. It’s better to focus on quality, rather than quantity. Furthermore, it’s pretty demoralising to get matches from girls you aren’t really interested in.

Secondly don’t create a profile description that is going to say something unpolitically correct. I had a friend who wrote something along the lines that women are fickle minded and they are all sluts. It’s no surprise he got reported on Tinder and got banned.

If you are complaining about getting shadow banned it might be that your Tinder profile isn’t effective.

How to Filter Out Fake Profiles on Tinder

There are fake profiles that are looking to scam you. Some of my friend’s friends commented that they have been scammed before.

Some men can really be foolish when they are desperate.

If a profile match on Tinder mention anything about investments, finance and has a somewhat thin profile with zero casual photos with friends and etc… then it’s a red flag. She’s in it for the money.

How does Tinder Work: Your Tinder Photos

Your photos are going to make or break your Tinder profile. I am going to run you through how I construct my Tinder photos. I spent months and my own money testing my own Tinder profiles and my clients tinder profiles.

I highly recommend you to learn some photography and take a couple of high quality photos and mix them it with casual photos. There is also no need to go over the top with a super professional photo shoot that is going to come off as try hard.

In general, forget selfies or self taken bro gym pictures.

I talk more about photos in my guide that I linked in the next section.

Your Tinder Profile Description

Your Tinder profile description is also an important manner of standing out amongst the competition.

The key is to get creative with your profile descriptions. The idea is to stand out. Every other guy out there has the usual profile of:

  • I am career oriented
  • In the finance space
  • Or some usual hobby like hanging out in cafes/ swimming etc.

How can YOU stand out from the rest?

I dive deeply into how to craft a Tinder bio for guys.

How to Start and Continue Conversations on Tinder

Strong profiles isn’t all there is to Tinder. Like I mentioned, you are competing against the thousands of likes and matches in her Tinder messages.

This is why understanding how to start conversations on Tinder is going to help you stand out.

I usually start conversations by making observations about her profile. This means getting creative with her profile descriptions, photos and coming up with something funny that you can tease her about. There are NO exact lines that you can plug and play for this. However getting good at this is going to help you in your improvisational skills.

Can you find something to improv from these profiles?

To use an example from the profiles, you can use this conversational starter for Allie:

“Gin N Tonic > Bloody Mary’s > Mimosas. It’s true.”

This demonstrates you actually read her profile. It’s also funny and somewhat of an exaggeration when you imply gin n tonic beats the rest of her drink.

This is the same improvisational skillset you do it in person and online. They feed into each other in your ability to be witty and creative. Feel like you can’t think on your feet? You can take up improv classes, study comedians and use the art of improv to come out with creative outreach and text messages. 

The most important key here: you do not want flatline messages and conversations. 

How to Transition from Tinder to the Phone and then Dates

I mostly try to move the conversation from Tinder to my phone as soon as possible. There are girls that don’t come on Tinder that often.

The key here is to get a to and fro going on. Then only you should move the conversation to your phone. This can be done using a soft close and a qualifier:

“Hey I think you’re interesting to talk to, how about we continue this conversation on Telegram?”

There is no such thing as 100% success rate. It depends on the girl’s comfort levels and your interaction. To be able to spot signs that she is interested comes with experience and practice. Some times, you need more time to connect with her.

I am also a fan of speaking on the phone, using video calls to further more the interaction forward. (read: or to see if you getting cat fished.)

Note: there are going to be girls that will never give out their personal contacts on Tinder. These are time wasters. Spot them early on and move on.

How to Use Tinder as an Experimental Lab

Tinder is the best online dating application for testing out your best performing online dating profile. 

Using, Tinder Gold and Boost, you can split test your photos and profile descriptions:

  • You can test which photos that you took in a professional photo shoot will work best for you
  • Secondly, you can test your sequence of photos

To test your online dating profile effectiveness, you can run simple tests varying different variables:

  • You can run boost tests test your photos
  • You can run boost tests and test your profile descriptions
  • You can test boosting at different times of the day

Use an excel sheet to run tests

Once you hit that sweet spot on Tinder, you can then take a similar Tinder bio, replicate the similar photos and profile descriptions across other online dating applications such as Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid and Coffee Meets Bagel. 

This can give you a good gauge. However it isn’t an iron rule. The demographic on Tinder and other dating applications is different and you’ll need to tweak accordingly to the application.

Conclusion

To conclude, the art of getting Tinder to work for you is a strong Tinder profile, a strong profile description and the ability to converse well on text.  

Ultimately, dating and intimacy is experienced in flesh and not through a phone screen. Yes, potentially getting Tinder to work for you is awesome. However, you too have to be attractive to women in person. You have to be able to tease, converse, flirt, attract her, be physical with her in person. 

May 17

The Push and Pull Technique and Method – Steal my Lines

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

The push pull technique is an old and OG concept that arose from the old school pick up artist community. The idea of push and pulling simultaneously is to create interest and ambiguity that women find attractive. It can be expressed verbally or non-verbally. You can “push” by demonstrating more attention and interest. You can “pull” by disqualifying yourself as potential partner.

There are different degrees of push and pulling. You can do it verbally, non verbally or a combination of both. If you wish to use it effectively, then understanding when you need to push and when you can pull is going to contribute a lot to your success. If you do it right, you can even get women to push on you hard.

Pick Up Artist Theory: Push and Pulling

Yes, push and pulling is an effective framework for beginners to understand the dynamics of flirting. In theory, you push if she’s pulling, you pull when she’s pulling. You can also implement lines that ‘push and pull’ as a means of teasing. I used to think that you only need ‘passive attraction’ to get women to be attracted to you. However, I take a middle ground these days, by actively implementing push and pull lines/ methods, you can make things happen in your interactions.

In general, you should always be pushing and pulling simultaneously. You only push when you feel you’ve pulled too hard and you don’t want to lose the interaction. If you think of interactions on a power scale, pushing gives up power and pulling successfully gives you more power. If you’re only demonstrating interest outrightly, you’re telling her that she can have you at any time. This is why that, in general, you should be demonstrating intent whilst disqualifying yourself at the same time. This way, you’re ‘balancing the power scale’ as much as you can.

The Push Pull Method: Understanding Where You Stand in Her Eyes

The ‘power scale’ is a means of understanding where you exactly stand in any interaction with a woman. Is she interested and should continue to push and pull? Or are you pushing too hard and you need some investment from her end (and you need to pull). Or is she already interested and you can pull to generate even more investment to get her to chase?

  • If you haven’t gotten her attention or her interested, then you can try to ‘manufacture it’ by pushing and/ or pulling.
  • If she’s pulling, you can push by ‘giving up some of the power in the relationship’, by outrightly demonstrating affection or interest.
  • If you’re over reaching to a girl, she’s feeling suffocated, you can ‘pull’ to balance the dynamic of the relationship.
  • You can also pull when she’s pushing to attempt to generate more investment when she’s pushing.

Teasing a girl one of the most effective and easiest manner to demonstrate interest and flirt. In theory, just about any cheeky tease can be considered a push and pull. A tease is negative verbally. However, it’s a positive non verbally. Hence, it’s a ‘push pull’.

Think about it, you only tease your old friends. You tease them ‘negatively’, for example, for their childish or slobbish behaviour. However, you also do it as a means of affection. They are alright with it, everybody laughs and it leads to further bonding.

Examples of Push Pull Lines – Steal my Lines

There are lines you can use in text and/ or in person:

“You’re so adorably annoying”
“You look interesting” (ambiguity, what the hell is interesting? Is that good or bad? This implies a push pull)
“You were attractive until you said X”
“That’s a great looking dress, I’m not too sure about the shoes though”
“We totally should not be doing this” (done whilst escalating physically on her)
“You’re so hot, but thankfully I’m a moral rock ;)”
“We should totally grab coffee, provided you’re not a psychopath”
“I should totally take your number, provided you’re not a secret psychopath that’s going to text 27 messages past midnight”
“Aw, you are ridiculously adorable”

Pushes are generally any demonstration of interest and affection. Pulls are generally any demonstration of disinterest or the fact that you are willing to lose the interaction. You get the idea. There are positives and negatives in your actions and statements. You can also combine outright pushes or pulls when the right time calls for it.

How to Push Pull Physically

There are ways to push and pull whilst flirting physically. This is what pick up artists call ‘calibration’.

You can show direct interest with direct body language and attention (push) and then disqualify using negative body language (pull) and alter them to different degrees depending on where you are at in the interaction.

You can push pull by escalating physically but disqualify verbally.  Saying “I should not being doing this” whilst you’re making out with her is a push pull.

Taking her to your place and saying outrightly that you’re going to kick her off your bed, is a somewhat a push and a pull. You’re pushing for sex and simultaneously disqualifying. Groping her intimately and then saying you are “not suppose to be doing it” is a push pull. In this example, push pull can be used as a means to set the right frame for sex to ‘just happen’.

Using push and pull physically can be as simple as flirting with her physically (increasing the frequency of touches) and then suddenly dropping it (using negative body language), then escalating it and dropping it. Push pull ultimately can be used as a means to build sexual tension.

How to Get Good at Push and Pull Naturally

So, how can you push and pull in the moment without relying on memorising lines? To get good at pushing and pulling, you need to get good at the art of improvisation.

This means taking an interest in language and appreciating comedy. You can take up stand up comedy classes, watch comedians on Youtube or take up improv classes. There are improv tools on the internet where they generate random words and you’re forced to improvise off that.

I started bettering my conversations by taking joining improv classes and sooner or later push pull became natural to me. There’s also no need to go crazy on this. In the most fundamental manner, teasing a girl is the most basic push pull. You’re saying something negative but your intentions are positive.

Limitations

However, there are limitations. I used to over rely on wit and came off sarcastic in my interactions. You cannot rely on words alone. In the art of seduction. You need guts. Yes you can calibrate. (if you see her feeling uncomfortable with your advances, you reel back with a ‘pull’). However, there’s no technical replacement for taking genuine risk in your interaction. You can’t push and pull your way into kissing her. Kissing her is mostly a matter of just pulling the trigger.

Furthermore, just relying on push and pulling is a horrendous manner to build a genuine and deeper connection. You need to have other conversational skills outside of teasing and coming up with witty push pull lines. Furthermore, you and I are all here to have awesome relationships with women, it’s not about proving who’s more quick witted.

Push Pull

Conclusions

Understanding the push pull dynamic and how to implement the lines are only about 10% of the entire equation. These days, I only use them as a means as an end, as a means to spark attraction or generate and interest. I always tell my dating coaching clients that I don’t really pay attention to memorizing lines consciously because once you get good at improv, teasing and flirting comes naturally to you. However, nonetheless, it’s a good model of understanding where you stand in a relationship.

There are many other facets to generating grounded, lasting attraction such as being able to connect on a deeper level to attempting to better your life. You can’t replace and attractive identity with only push and pull lines.

May 15

The Madonna Whore Complex – Women Lovers and Haters

By Marcus Neo | Relationships

Sigmund Freud noticed that men who grew up with strenuous relationships with their mother developed a complex toward women. Hence he formed the theory of the Madonna Whore Complex. Freud argued that the madonna whore complex is a split between the affectionate and sexual currents in the male desire.

While Sigmund Freud theories surrounding the Oedipus complex, penis and castration fears have been debunked by modern day psychology, modern day psychologists have found that modern implications of Madonna Whore dichotomy remains.

The Madonna Whore Complex

The Madonna Whore split may be caused when the victim is raised by a cold but overprotective mother. This lack of emotional nurturing results in a man courting someone with maternal qualities, hoping to fulfil a need for intimacy unmet in childhood.

His need to capture his mother’s attention and affection as a child is later projected onto the woman he chooses to pursue. He ends up looking a woman with similar psychological make up with his mother. Since it’s ‘immoral wrong’ to think of his mother in a sexual manner, he forms an inability to feel sexual arousal in a committed and loving relationship. This returns repressed feelings surrounding the earlier relationship with his mother, hence preventing sexual satisfaction with his current partner.

My personal belief is that men who struggle in their dating and relationships life have some degree of skewed beliefs and towards women. The women lovers have a problem feeling sexually attracted to women they love. The women haters have a problem feeling romantically attracted to women they sexually desire.

In either cases, they are researched to feel less satisfied in romantic relationships. The lover is out of touch with his objectification of women and the hater is out of touch with his need for affection.

This can play out in your dating life (as it did in mine), you feel a lot of emotional affection for your partner, however for some reason, you aren’t able to perform in bed. On the other hand, you’re able to feel sexually attracted for a one night stand (a girl that you never thought of dating in the long run).

The Madonna – The Woman Lovers

Men struggling with the complex hence categorized women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Hence, the term “Madonna-Whore”.

Let’s take a look at one end of the spectrum: the women lovers. The men that see women as Madonna put women on a pedestal.

The complex plays itself out in the paradox in which any woman a man sexual desires must be a slut or a whore, and any woman who loves him and adores him is considered pure and consequently, he fears intimacy and feels inferior around her.

The women lovers worship feminine love, romanticize self-sacrifice and suffering for the sake of it. They are usually people pleasing and supplicant. They are the ones that find themselves doing things for women over and over again although there’s no form of reciprocation. They put sex on a pedestal and find themselves in love with their best female friends. These are the men that find themselves doing favours for a girl who has not shown them any signs of affection. 

These men, on the end of women lovers, are out of touch with their objectification of women: their desire for sex.

This may affect men who have little or no experience in sexual relationships. They may find it difficult to accept that women are sexual beings, have sexual needs, enjoy and desire sex as much as men do.

These beliefs may hinder your social interactions with women, you may being afraid to be physically intimate with her, believing then women do not like to be touched. You may feel that she may be more sexually experienced than you, thus feeling inferior to her.

Thw Whore – Woman Haters

Psychologist Richard Tuch suggested that woman-haters become who they are because as a young boy, because he suffered frustration and narcissistic injury at the hands of his mother, in adulthood, the boy turned men seeks to avenge these mistreats through sadistic attacks on women who are ‘stand-ins’ for his own mother, hence forming a hatred for women.

These men are the ones that see women as ‘whores’. They see women as something to be researched and conquered. They see affection and love as something that’s worked for and struggled for. They perceive women to be fundamentally different from themselves. These are the men that go on angry rants about how women not knowing their social roles, that they ‘belong to the kitchen’, being dirty slutty for desiring sex and etc.

It’s also important to note that women haters don’t exactly hate women. Rather, they experience a love hate relationship with women. They may also perceive women as fundamentally different from them. They may also maintain dysfunctional and manipulative relationships as the women they end up attracting profiles that match them in bitterness and distrust.

These beliefs are commonly expressed in the pick up artist community. Woman haters tend to gravitate towards being players. They are often out of touch with their desire for love and affection.

The Madonna-Whore Complex Expressed in Modern Culture

Through my years of talking to men as friends and a dating coach. It’s not uncommon to hear men saying that they want to marry a ‘good girl’:

She preferably has to be virgin, hasn’t dated a lot and is ‘pure’ and ‘innocent’. He, on the other hand, desires to date and have sexual experiences with as many other girls as possible, that he would never think of starting a romantic or committed relationship with them.

This is the conflicted desire of wanting to marry a ‘pure and innocent girl’ but then they couldn’t have sex with her, because if that’s true, that’ll mean she’s a dirty, down-ridden ‘whore’. However, when he wanted to have a sexual relationship with a woman, he’ll never date her, as sex signalled ‘her lack of morals’.

Love is only reserved for the ‘good’ girl, the girl you can bring home to Mum, the one who’s of ‘marriage material’. Sex, on the other hand, is reserved for the ‘bad’ girls.

This is commonly expressed as: “I want to have sex with many girls, but I ONLY want to marry the good one, that hasn’t had sex a lot.” This also suggests ‘good girls’ don’t desire sex as much as ‘bad girls’. Or ‘good girls’ are defined as good because they haven’t had multiple sexual experiences.

Not only this is a double standard, but this categorisation of female sexuality leads you to properly appreciate your partner as an integrated person with different needs.

Your Beliefs: How Do You View Women? 

The Madonna-whore dichotomy can often be unconscious and subtle. It can be difficult to pin point if you’re a woman hater or lover, even if you’re struggling with women flipping to and fro between these two different beliefs, flipping back and forth depending on the situation, and depending on the girl.

Regardless, both belief systems are unhealthy fixations. The woman lover obsesses for love, the woman hater obsesses for sex. Both belief systems lead to manipulative and dysfunctional relationships. Both fail to see the opposite sex as equals. One sees them as superior, and the other as inferior.

For the woman lover/ hater, when confronted with a girl they sexually desire, they would view her as a trash-ridden whore, something use for their own pleasure and amusement. On the other hand, when confronted with women with good morals and or status, they put her on a pedestal, seeing her as something pure, perfect and of a higher order.

I’m not saying that this psychological theory is carved out in stone, however, the Madonna-Whore complex concept can be used as a model to better your beliefs around female sexuality.

Curious if you harbour some of these beliefs?

You can ask yourself some questions:

  • What are your beliefs with women like?
  • Are you living out those double standards?
  • How do you feel and react if your partner earns more than you?
  • How do you feel about women desiring sex as much as men do?
  • Do your interactions with women involve the objectification of women?
  • Do your interactions with women lean towards feminine worship?
  • Has the relationship with your mother affected how you perceive dating and relationships with the opposite sex?
  • Did you grow up with a cold/ distant/ abusive mother?
  • How is your relationships like with female counterparts growing up?

These are difficult questions that can lead to difficult answers. However, be honest. These questions helped me become more introspective about my emotional maps and belief systems. It has also helped me become more objective my relationship with women.

Moving Forward

So, assuming you’re a pussy pedalling individual or secretly belief that all women only belong to the kitchen, how can you get better? The cure to the Madonna-whore dichotomy isn’t simple. The only way to resolve your anger or worship toward is to confronting your deep-seated beliefs. It involves being introspective about your beliefs towards women.

Firstly, it is to perceive our female counterparts as equals. This means not worshipping or objectifying female sexuality. Secondly, it is to do the therapeutic work required to resolve any misgivings or anger. This may stem from your childhood, this may not. Ultimately, women are not to be worshipped nor objectified. They are similar to that as men: with needs, desires, virtues and vices.

Works Cited

Hartmann, Uwe (2009). “Sigmund Freud and His Impact on Our Understanding of Male Sexual Dysfunction“. The Journal of Sexual Medicine6 (8): 2332–2339

Baraket, O. (2018). The Madonna-Whore Dichotomy: Men Who Perceive Women’s Nurturance and Sexuality as Mutually Exclusive Endorse Patriarchy and Show Lower Relationship SatisfactionSex Roles, 1-14.

Tuch, Richard (2010). “Murder on the Mind: Tyrannical Power and Other Points along the Perverse Spectrum“. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis 91 (1): 141-162.

 

Client cold approaching
May 12

How to Cold Approach without Approach Anxiety + Infield

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

If you can cold approach women effortlessly on the streets, you are going to be really good with women. However, the majority of men fail at cold approach because the idea of going up to talk to an attractive stranger overwhelms them. Secondly, the majority of your cold approaching success is going to rely on how well you deal with approach anxiety.

How many opportunities have you and I missed as the years went by. She walks by and you tell yourself: ‘I’ll approach the next one”. Thousands, if not hundreds of thousands by the years.

The Art of the Cold Approach

Let’s assume you are or an introvert that do not really have any other options. You aren’t also fan of the quality of women you get from online dating apps such as Tinder. There isn’t any other alternative right? You’re only able to get good at this through cold approaching and overcoming your approach anxiety. That’s it.

There are other benefits of getting the art of the cold approach down. The anxiety you feel when cold approaching an attractive woman is the same anxiety you feel when you lean in for the kiss. By training that emotional muscle of cold approaching, you’ll be able to rapidly improve in other areas of dating as well.

Step 1) Make an Internal Life Decision

You’re on a dating advice blog for a reason. You want to get better with your interactions with women. Look, this isn’t a Disney movie. There’s nobody coming to save you. This is your dating life you’re talking about. You need to decide to win. If you’re half hearted about getting your dating life handled (or any aspect of your life for that matter.) You are simply not going to win.

I want you to take out a piece of paper, and write your goals for your dating life. Yes, get serious about it. Can you hold yourself accountable to your life values?

There comes a point you need to pull the trigger and just fucking do it.

Life like a chess

Step 2) Put Evolutionary Pressure on Yourself

How many of us make internal life decisions but end up not following through? That’s a lot of us. That’s because you are still in your comfort zone.

The way to force yourself out of your comfort zone is to put intense evolutionary pressure on yourself. You need to give yourself no alternatives. This can mean not texting girls that you’re so-so into and putting pressure on yourself to cold approach women that you’re into. This can mean deleting Tinder or any other forms of escapes or excuses that you give yourself.

I only started cold approaching seriously only after I signed up for a coaching program with a dating coach. I put up skin in the game. If you can’t motivate yourself, then use your own psychology against you. If you pay up half your bank account like I did in my earlier twenties, I can guarantee you’re going to start approaching.

One other reason people procrastinate is because they lack sexual motivation. If you’re watching porn every single day you’re going to sit at home and procrastinate. The solution here is simple, cut down on your pornographic intake.

If all your friends mock you for attempting to better your dating life, then find new friends. In my later teens, I ran around introducing self help books to my friends. They told me I was raving mad. I responded by getting a coach, audiobooks and whatever material I can get my hands on. That pushed me to take action in my dating life. I also learned later in life that it’s pointless to discuss self development with friends and or family.

Step 3) How to Cold Approach Women Infield

If you’re socially awkward and never had positive responses from people or women in your life. Then let’s say you’re going to be crippled with approach anxiety. Only after learning the basics of dressing adequately and the ability to read basic social cues, you’ll be able to approach successfully

I did an entire Youtube video on how to cold approach women even in a conservative culture such as Singapore.

You can check it out here:

Step 4) Exercises to Help You Cold Approach

In my experience, the reason why people get overwhelmed with approach anxiety is because they haven’t made an internal decision. They either don’t feel worthy of success in women themselves, or their fear of rejection/ failure trumps the sweetness of success. You need to make an internal life decision. Now, and today.

You got to decided you are going to risk rejection for success. Furthermore, is there really real risk involved? There’s only perceived risk. You don’t lose money, a leg or an arm for by talking to some attractive stranger. There’s no real inherent risk.

So, you have decided internally. HOWEVER you realise going out and talking to the most attractive person you can find at the mall is daunting. So what you can do about it?

If you’re dealing with unbearable approach anxiety, here’s an exercise and a program that’s going to help:

  • Talk to 10 strangers, ask them for time and or directions (you can say that your watch or phone is broken)
  • Talk to 10 women who are strangers, ask them for time and or directions (you can say that your watch or phone is broken)
  • Talk to 10 women who are attractive strangers, ask them for time and or directions (you can say that your watch or phone is broken)
  • Talk to 10 women who are attractive strangers, ask them for time and or directions, then give them a light compliment and walk away
  • Talk to 10 women who are attractive strangers, ask them for time and or directions, then give them a light compliment, then follow up by making a statement about their hair/ dress sense or anything you can observe
  • Tell 10 women who are attractive that you find them interesting and wait for their response…
  • Tell 1o women who are attractive that you find them interesting, try to push for a conversation and so on and so forth

Cold approaching in a Mall

There are no hard and fast rules here. You can tweak the difficulty settings according to your cold approach responses and skillset level. This progressive desensitisation method is also clinical researched method that’s use across many therapeutical settings.

Note, if you’re having huge issues with even talking to strangers asking for time and directions. You should not be studying dating advice. You may need a therapist and/or talk to a professional mental health. However, if you aren’t then progressively moving your way up the ladder is going to help.

Step 5) The Reasons Why Most Men Can’t Cold Approach

In my experience, the reasons why most men can’t do cold approaches is not only because we fear rejection itself, but because the act of approaching is unconventional.

Yes, cold approaching a woman directly may be completely out of your identity and culture. Yes, cold approaching is an unconventional behaviour. However, success with women unconventional in itself.

How else are you going to outperform if you did everything similarly 99% of the male population aren’t able to direct approach an attractive lady on the streets, much less alone a night club or a bar. If it was easy and common, then everybody is going to be successful with women.

Unfortunately, it’s not easy.

However, that is good news. If you’re able to be competent in cold approaching. Then you’ll outperform 99% of the men out there.

This is also true of many other skillsets not related to dating. For example, building a business ground up is extremely difficult. That is why only a small majority of the population are business owners. The option of running a business is not readily accessible to everyone.

Step 6) Accept Rejection

I’m going to be a little philosophical here. Out of most of your cold approaches, the majority of times you’re going to get lukewarm responses. IF you’re doing it right, the ones that aren’t interested are plainly going to ignore you, or maybe give you a negative response. You’re not going to get slapped, I assure you.

Let’s say you cold approach twenty women. Out of twenty, five of them are slightly interested. You go out on a date with 2 and 1 fall through and you’re left with one. The sooner you accept that the majority of your interactions are going to go nowhere, the more free you are able to take action.

The reason why people hesitate and procrastinate over ONE approach is because they have this fantasy that every approach has to be perfect and that every girl they approach is going to fall head over heels for them. In reality, most girls aren’t going to be interested or available.

Lastly, there’s no need to feel like a need to ask for every girl’s number. There’ll be women that give out their numbers for no reason. There’ll be women that text you for no reason and won’t go out with you. So, stop feeling overtly anxious about approaching. Sooner or later you’ll get a rough feel of who is interested and who is not. You’ll also want to screen in your approaches.

Conclusion

Lastly, by going through tens of interactions by cold approaching, you’re forced to be good at improvisation. You’re forced to be able to improvise on the spot. You need to be able to tease, flirt and understand social cues right there and then. It’s not only the most direct way of getting to meet more women, it’s also a great way to practice other skillsets that’s required for dating success.

There’s something to be said about acceptance. The acceptance that you’re not going to be attractive to the majority of women at any given point of time. Only when you acknowledge that, then you’re free to being rejected. It’s not personal. It’s not about you. It doesn’t say anything about you, your successes, failures or your identity. it’s just the economics of dating, some luck and a lot randomness.

May 03

Attachment Styles – The Why of Rollercoaster Relationships

By Marcus Neo | Relationships

Ever felt like you can’t live without a certain relationship, be it a friend or a romantic partner? Or do you find yourself too afraid to be alone or make decisions on yourself? Or do you feel that you are repeating the same mistakes in your relationships with your partners time and time again?

In psychology, attachment theory can be used as a useful model to explain why your relationships have succeeded or failed in the manner they did. It can also point out repeated patterns of your relationship problems. In general, there are four kinds of attachment: the secure, anxious, avoidant and anxious-avoidant.

Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment strategies are comfortable with displaying interest and affection. They are also comfortable being alone and independent. They are able to prioritise relationships, draw clear boundaries and stick to them.

They also have a positive perception of others and positive perception of themselves. They make the best romantic partners, family members and friends. They are capable of accepting rejection and moving on despite the pain but are also capable of being loyal, sacrificing when necessary. They have little issue trusting the people they are close to and are trustworthy themselves.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style may value intimacy to an extent that they become overly dependent on the attachment figure. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have a less positive perception about themselves.

People with anxious attachment have a positive perception of others and negative perception of themselves. This strategy may be developed in childhood by infants who receive affection and care with unpredictable sufficiency.

Avoidant Attachment

People with avoidant attachment types tend to be independent, self-directed and are often uncomfortable with intimacy. People with avoidant attachment have a positive perception of themselves and negative perception of others. This strategy may be developed in childhood by infants who only get some of their needs met while the rest are neglected.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

People with this attachment style are much less comfortable with expressing affection. They frequently deny and suppress their feelings. They commonly have a negative worldview on others and view themselves as unworthy. These mixed feelings are combined with unconscious, negative views about themselves and others. They often have other emotional problems in other areas of their life: substance abuse and depression. This attachment type is commonly developed from abusive or negligent childhoods.

Here’s a useful model.

Psychological research backs it up as well, people with the same level of self esteem end up dating each other.

Research also suggests that anxious and avoidant people frequently end up in relationships with one another. It normally goes like this: the avoidant types are so good at putting others off that often times it is only the anxious types who are willing to stick around put in the extra effort to get them to open up.

I may be generalising, but think of the man who constantly pushes away a woman’s needs for intimacy. If it’s up to a woman with a secure attachment, she’ll simply accept the rejection and move on. However, an anxiously attached woman will be more determined by a man who pushes her away. The avoidant man then is reassured that he can behave independently around her and still ultimately avoid emotional intimacy (he’s avoidant right?).

You can argue that women that are willing to stay around and be manipulated are probably anxiously attached. The inability of an avoidant attachment styled male to express genuine affection and intimacy triggers her anxious attachment that makes her chase even more that in turns rewards the avoidant style that he adopts. She chases, he runs, and this goes in circles.

The implications from an emotional needs standpoint can run deep. The anxious and the avoidant have a fundamental belief that their emotional needs aren’t important. The avoidant denies their emotional needs by avoiding it, and the anxious attempts to force theirs by overcompensating. Ultimately, both end up failing to get their needs met in a relationship.

I experienced this chaser and chase pattern in my first serious relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Every time I chased, she ran. Every time I got sick of it and threatened to leave, she came back chasing. It was constant, tiring too and fro. It felt exhilarating at times, however, it’s not long before that relationship ended up exploding. The problem with such romantic relationships is that it can feel as if you made progress after going through emotional whirlwinds with the other party. The higher highs of reconciliation and the lower lows of arguments and fights. It can be mistaken as ‘love’ or ‘passion’.

The Narcissist and the Co-dependent

One other way to think about attachment styles is the narcissist and codependent dynamic. I am going to generalize again here, but bear with me. The narcissist is usually the ‘taker’, and the codependent is normally the ‘giver’. In many dysfunctional relationships, you can find the giver and the taker. The giver is the one that always gives and gives without takin as he or she feels intrinsically unworthy and unaware of his or her own emotional needs.

  • The Narcissist

The taker and the narcissist always takes and takes because he or she is unable to meet their own emotional needs and is attempting to fill a void.

The narcissist only cares about his or her own needs. He/ she is the overly domineering one in social interactions. This is the annoying individual who is always going on and on about him or herself and is unable to empathize with the people around them. It’s always him, his stories, her failures or her successes. They aren’t generally unable to listen.

Hanging out with a narcissist is equivalent to social waterboarding.

They always require more. That is because external validation is a temporary high. It feels good at the moment but is still an empty victory. I’ll argue narcissists get more results in their dating life than co-dependents solely because of their willingness (and blindness) to assert themselves in spite of negative social feedback.

The taker, the narcissist is unable to generate self-esteem from within and hence strives to generate it externally.

  • The Co-dependent

If your life choices, decisions or self esteem is dependent or another person, you may have a co-dependent relationship. This can be your best friend, your parents or your romantic partners.

Co-dependents find themselves in relationships where their primary role is that of the rescuer. Their happiness is reliant on their ability to meet their partner’s emotional needs and not their own. 

Unresolved patterns of co-dependency can lead to other problems such as alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, self-destructive and defeating behaviours. Co-dependents also have higher chances to form abusive relationships, stay in stressful jobs or relationships.

The listener, the giver, the co-dependent who listens to the narcissist’s troubles quietly and doesn’t give any input. He or she just takes it in and may seem sympathetic to the narcissist’s sorrows. That’s because the only way the listener can feel loved or accepted in that social situation is to tend to someone else’s emotional needs.

For the Overly Attached: Note on Roller Coaster Relationships

Ultimately, rollercoaster and dramatic relationships lack true intimacy and boundaries. Both individuals do not get their emotional needs met. They both are unable to accept love and validation, yet at the same time overcompensate in getting their needs for recognition, love and validation from each other (or others).

Psychologists argue that our unconscious is constantly attempting to seek out attention, love and validation that we miss out from out parents growing up.  There’s research suggesting that parents who view their children as an extension of their own self, hence, getting their needs met by the child leads to the child to believe that his or her own needs aren’t important. The child becomes attuned to the parent’s needs and feelings instead of the other round.

This plays out when someone attempts to get their needs met from people around them as adults. This can be from areas of their lives other than their relationships. You may overcompensate and seek to meet your unmet needs through sex, achievements, financial pursuit or just about any area of life.

Look, everyone needs a pat on the back and validation at some point. The question to ask yourself is this: are you pursuing something from a standpoint of values or are you scratching an unresolved emotional need?

The Attachment Theory – Self Esteem Model

The problem with a lot of dating and relationship advice is that they don’t encourage the expression of emotions from a secure standpoint. Instead, they promote insecure strategies such as using of lines, techniques, not calling back in X amount of days in attempt to manipulate someone else into doing something. They aren’t effectual on the long run, and may only work on individuals who aren’t able to express themselves directly as well. You’re blocking out any genuine real emotional engagement. You’re still not getting your emotional needs met.

If you’re wondering if attachment theory has something to do with one’s self esteem. You’re right. Psychologists also hypothesised a model showing one’s attachment strategy corresponding to the self image of yourself and your perception of others. Your attachment style is connected to self esteem, emotional needs and vulnerability. These ideas are interlinked.

How to Find Our Your Attachment Style

How do you know if you are overly/ underly attached? You may do a self test to figure out which attachment style you fall under. There’s an attachment theory test that you can take to find out your attachment type. If you don’t want to take the test, then rely on the following examples to roughly give you a guess on your style of attachment. 

You can ask yourself some questions:

  • Do you have your own life handled or are you merely using your relationship as an excuse?
  • Flip it around and ask yourself if the person across you has his or her own life going on, or is he or she living vicariously through her relationship?
  • Are you dependent on each other for each other’s happiness, or are both of you already happy as individuals with or without a relationship?

Can Your Attachment Style be Changed? 

Is there hope for the anxiously attached hopeless romantic or the commitment phobic avoidant? Or maybe you are reading this and determined you’re either a pushover codependent or a raging narcissist. Hear me out. The good news is that attachment styles can be changed. The bad news is that it’s slow and difficult.

I was a classic hard core avoidant throughout my teens up till my early twenties. Since I started therapy, I had one anxiety uncovered after another. There were periods of my life where I swung heavily from avoidant to anxious. You’ll be surprised to find that underlying avoidance may be anxiety. There were other periods where I was going through phases of emotional vomit and flipped manically in and out of being anxious and avoidant.

There’s also research suggesting that an individual with an insecure attachment who enters a long term relationship and the other party who has a secure attachment can be “raised up” to the level of secure over an extended period of time.

Unfortunately, insecure attachments such as the anxious or avoidant can also “bring down” a secure attachment. Other extreme negative life events such a divorce, death of a child, serious accident, lost of friendships can also cause secure attachment types to fall into a more insecure attachment.

Conclusion

There’s no quick fix for changing attachment styles. Similarly, there is no quick fix for a lack (or overflowing) of self love.

If your happiness is derived from making extreme sacrifices to meet other people needs needs. Then it’s a red flag. If you’re the giver or the listener, then you need to stop being a pushover. It’s time to stop being Mr Nice Guy/ Woman. You’ll need learn how to assert your own emotional needs and get your needs met in your relationships.

Now, I am not saying you can’t sacrifice for each other in a relationship. However, there’s a difference between sacrificing for someone and a lack of relationship boundaries.

Or maybe you find yourself as a raging narcissist and constantly get pushed away by others. You may want to take a step back and learn how to empathise with others. The point here isn’t to be overly selfish or aggressive. It is to find a fine balance between caring for their own and other’s people’s needs.

Unfortunately, I’m not immune. In my life, I had my fair share of stages in my life where I fell into co-dependence or fell into narcissism. 

However, all in all, I’m happy to report that today, I’m a lot better at handling my relationships today.

Ultimately, attachment styles can give us a good frame work on healthy relationships.

So are you saying that all healthy relationships non dependent on each other? Nope. The best forms of relationship are not completely independent, but interdependent. An interdependent relationship is where two partners support each other unconditionally. They are able to generate self esteem as an individual. They aren’t vicariously living through their partner. It’s two emotionally independent individuals consciously choosing to support one another.

Works Cited

Alan Rappoport, P. (n.d.). Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents.Retrieved from AlanRappoport.Com: http://www.alanrappoport.com/pdf/Co-Narcissism%20Article.pdf

 Hazan C.; Shaver P.R. (March 1987). “Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process”J Pers Soc Psychol52 (3): 511–24.